How to Identify a Narcissist

Do you know somebody who must ALWAYS be the center of attention?  And does this person try to "up-one" others in a conversation?  You might be head to head with a bonafide narcissist.

At first, a narcissist seems like they would be easy to spot.  Think about the jerk bragging or boasting in the break room or at the gym.  But, in reality, narcissists can be quite attractive with their charismatic and entertaining personalities.

By definition, a narcissist is a person who is excessively interested in themselves.  Here are a few tell-tale signs of a narcissist:

• They need attention.  A narcissist is driven by positive attention from other people.  They want - even need - to be admired.  They relish flattery.  Their need for praise borders on addiction.  Oftentimes, a narcissist will adopt a new social circle in order to get their "fix" of praise and admiration.

• They love the sound of their own voice.  A narcissist loves everything about themselves - even how they sound.  Conversations with a narcissist tend to very one-sided because they really don't care what is going on with you. Remember, it's all about them!

• They are selfishness.  A narcissist is a self-centered and self-serving.  They do not see value in other people unless those others are serving the narcissist in some capacity. 

• They are confident and flamboyant.  A narcissist will seek to stand out in a crowd and are absolutely sure that they are the most attractive person at any event.  They will often wear expensive, flashy, or provocative clothing to make sure everybody notices them.  

• They don't apologize.  By now you may have gathered that narcissists do not think that they are wrong about anything.  Therefore, it goes without saying that a narcissist does not feel the need to apologize regardless of the obvious problems that they cause.  In fact, it isn't at all unusual for a narcissist to turn the entire situation around and make it somebody else's fault.

• The hate to lose.  A narcissist is always up for a good competition, but they do not handle defeat well.

• They hate to listen to others.  As mentioned, narcissists are totally blinded by their own ego.  Therefore, any conversation with another person will result in the narcissist turning the topic back around to their favorite topic - themselves.

Now you have an idea of what a narcissist is how they behave.  Basically, a narcissist is somebody obsessed with themselves.  In their eyes, the universe makes a circle because of them and nothing else really matters.  At first, a narcissist may appear to be interesting and appealing - even sexy.  But the person dealing with a narcissist will soon discover otherwise.  A narcissist is only out to serve themselves.

'Tis the season: Why you should continue your job search through the holidays

'Tis the season: Why you should continue your job search through the holidays

Pursuing Happiness on the Hedonic Treadmill

We all think we know what will make us happy. Maybe it's a new car, a new house, or a new body. And we find ourselves becoming absorbed in our obsession by studying advertisements, researching features, and admiring people who have already acquired said thing. Then one day you finally get it. You are ecstatically happy - at least for a little while. Why doesn't the happiness last?

The Components of Happiness
 
There are three main elements that contribute to happiness: pleasure, meaning, and engagement.

• Pleasure is sensory enjoyments in life that tie into comfort and satisfaction. There are many sources of pleasure. For example, eating fine food, getting a massage, or listening to music could be fall under the category of pleasure. Pleasurable events alone, however, do not complete the happiness equation.

• Meaning. People find meaning in their lives by being a part of and contributing to something bigger than themselves. Social activities such as joining a church, serving in a soup kitchen, or volunteering at a school are good examples of how people find fulfillment through meaningful interaction.

• Engagement is accomplishing activities that involve challenges and require a person to use their skills and strengths. Usually engagement is seen in the context of doing something you are good at and that you enjoy like playing a sport, strumming a guitar, or writing essays. You know you are engaged when you in a state of "flow" and time seems to stand still.

These three factors together cause a person to achieve the subjective state that we call "happiness". The problem comes when we get stuck in the erroneous belief that instant gratification and materialistic pleasures are the only sources of happiness. Enter the hedonic treadmill……

The Hedonic Treadmill
 
Basically, the hedonic treadmill is a metaphorical reference to a theory based on the human tendency to focus on an object of desire, achieve that desire, experience brief happiness, and then change focus to another desire. You have probably experienced this cycle in your own life. As an example, say you want a new car. You believe that if you could obtain this car, your life would be changed. Instantly, you would feel great satisfaction and your life would be more complete. You locate the car of your dreams, save the required amount of money, and finally make the purchase. You are probably overjoyed with your new love and are likely to be very happy, indeed, as you proudly sport your new ride. But this state of bliss may last for a few months, at best. Eventually, your car will become just be a way to get from here to there - a lot like your old car. Sadly, you find that your life is no more complete than it was before you bought the car.

The theory behind the hedonic treadmill states that misdirected efforts to increase happiness generally fail. People usually return to their own particular "set-point" of happiness. In other words, few objects or events in life have the ability to significantly impact happiness on a long-term basis. The reason for this is that we, as humans, are hard-wired to continuously adapt to our circumstances.

"Stuff" Isn't the Answer
 
If materialism doesn't make a lot of difference in people's life, what does? In our consumer-driven society, there is a great amount of pressure to spend money on things. However, if you can find the courage to buck the system a little and go against the popular sway you may just end up being one of the truly fortunate ones that finds an extra measure of happiness. Try getting off of the hedonic treadmill by incorporating these fulfilling exercises instead:

• Consciously do something nice for somebody else each day. It could be as simple as holding the door open for the person behind you.

• Achieve "flow". Get lost in an activity. It could be a jigsaw puzzle, a sport, or a hobby. The goal is to activate your skills and engage them in a meaningful way.

• Spend time reflecting. Identify the pleasurable portions of your day, but also acknowledge those events that give deeper significance and meaning to life.

There is more to lasting happiness than simply feeling good all of the time. Happiness depends largely upon intangibles like investing in quality relationships, contributing to the lives of others, and pursuing purpose through meaningful activities.

References:

Peterson, C., Park, N., & Seligman, M. E. (2005). Orientations to happiness and life satisfaction: The full life versus the empty life. Journal of Happiness Studies, 6, 25-41.

Seligman, Martin E. P. (2002), Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment, New York: Free Press.

Yoga for Stress Relief: Downward Facing Dog

In our society, many of us find ourselves completely stressed out on a daily basis.  It seems that most everybody is suffering from too many obligations, financial problems, relationship problems, or work-related stress.  To temporarily relieve some of the stress you might be carrying in your body, consider doing a few minutes of yoga each day.  This move in particular - downward facing dog - is an easy move to incorporate into your busy day.

How to do it

Downward facing dog is an easy pose that can be done almost anywhere.  All it really entails is getting into an inverted "V" position.  That being said, there are a few particulars for maintaining good form.
First off, start by getting on all fours.  Your knees should be under your hips and your hands should slightly in front of your shoulders.  Slowly raise your pelvis off the floor so that your body looks like a "V."  Try to keep your heels on the floor.  If you can't, don't worry about it.  With practice, your calf muscles will become more flexible and you will improve.  Your arms should be stretched out in front of your head and you should be looking at your feet.  Stay in this position for a minute or so, drop back to your knees to rest, then do it again.

In addition to relieving stress, this exercise will tone your upper body, increase the flexibility in your back, and give you a boost of energy.  Most people find that they feel better after about a week of practice.

How to Relax More This Summer Without Going Away on Vacation

With the economy like it is, many people are not going to be able to afford to go on an exotic vacation this year.  But that doesn't mean that you can't get some rest and relaxation.  By changing just a few things - including your mindset - you can train yourself to go into vacation mode on a daily basis.

Summertime is marked by long, warm days which means it is the perfect time to use your evenings after work for a little R&R.  Here are some tips for learning how to vacation without taking off time from work or going very far away.

• Unplug from high-tech.  When you get home in the evening, consider turning it all off.  Yes, that means phones, computers, iPads - everything.  Hgh-tech gadgets can cause high stress levels because they  keep us plugged in to our need to compulsively check stuff like e-mails, text messages, and our Facebook page. 

• Change.  When you get home in the evening, the first thing you should do is change your clothes.  By changing into shorts, a swim suit, or lounging clothes you also give your brain the cue to change from work mode to vacation mode.  After you put on some comfortable clothes, change your location.  Don't stay in your living room and watch the news.  Why not take a drive to a local lake, river, or beach?  The long days of summer offer ample time for such excursions.

• Think "staycation."    Just because you are not going anywhere far doesn't mean you can't have fun.  Take a day or two off from work and visit a spa, take the family to a water park or the zoo, or take your partner and spend the night in a fancy hotel on the other side of town.  These short one or two day trips can do a lot to rejuvenate and refresh.

Happiness Resides Within

It seems that finding happiness and contentment seems to be a very difficult thing for people to do these days.  The Chinese philosopher, Lin Yu-tang, wrote:

The secret of contentment is knowing how to enjoy what you have, and to be able to lose all desire for things beyond your reach.

I think the key here is the first part of that sentence - enjoy what you have.  Why do we always want more? Is it our culture?  Is it conditioning?
 
Did you know that happiness, contentment, and joy are feelings that reside within every person already?  If you think for a moment, I’m sure that you can recall a time when happiness spontaneously bubbled up as you watched puppies play.  Maybe you experienced an overwhelming sense of contentment as you lay in your lover’s arms. Or think about the joy that sprang up inside of you when you graduated from college or welcomed your first child into the world.  Is happiness really something to pursue, or is it something that has been there all the time?  Maybe we should simply learn to take the blinders of desire off and turn our attention toward the treasure that is already yours.  Be happy with what you have.

Success is Not a Doorway, It's a Staircase

What is it that we all want? Isn’t it success and happiness? So, it’s no surprise that a reader in Iran is interested in success. Arash (not his real name) is a 35-year-old married carpenter who wants to become extremely successful. That is, he wants to be free from financial worries, free to travel anywhere, and free to do anything he and his family choose to do. To that end, he listens to Brian Tracy audio programs in his car and studies books on success. Arash is asking for help because he doesn’t know where and how to begin. He would like an action plan or roadmap to success that will end the confusion and clearly point out the steps he needs to follow. So, let’s begin.


The Staircase to Success

Step 1. The first step is to understand what is required for success. And what is that? Hard work! You've got to work harder than most people if you want to be more successful than them. To emphasize this point, let me quote William A. Ward (1921~1994), “The recipe of success is to study while others are sleeping, work while others are loafing, prepare while others are playing, and dream while others are wishing.” It is essential to realize that success is not a doorway that you walk through, but a staircase that requires effort to climb.

Step 2. After acknowledging that it will take hard work to succeed, you must be willing to make the effort and determined to do whatever it takes to succeed. In other words, you must be committed.

Step 3. You must understand that some difficult tasks are harder to do than others because of subconscious interference. Here’s an example of what I mean. Arash already has the self-discipline to exercise, but when it comes to taking steps for success, he feels powerless to act. Why is that? It is because when he tries ..............read more

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